I am in a rut. Not a comfortable, productive, eat the same thing for lunch kind of a rut but a why is my house always a mess kind of a rut? A why does my laundry always seem to be dirty or in need of folding kind of a rut. A I need a minute for myself but I have a non-napping preschooler and a very grouchy teether on my hands kind of a rut. A I know I should get to the gym but cant quite get in the groove kind of a rut. A why does my bathroom always smell like little boy pee kind of a rut. A we need more space but I have to worry about feeding mouths first so forget about a house kind of a rut. A why the heck is the car broken again kind of a rut. A I know I should be planning a lesson but my brain is fried kind of a rut. A I know I need to get out but I seem to always have someone sleeping or sick kind of a rut. A I want to be a great photographer so much I can taste it, I dream it, I constantly think about it but never have time to pick up a camera because my arms are always full and I am basically terrified to see what the picture product will be because I don't have a clue what I am doing kind of a rut. Basically I am in a self pity, totally overwhelmed kind of a rut. A rut that I have been wallowing in and clawing my way out of all at the same time. I wake up each morning and think, "today will be different. I will clean. I will play with my boys. I will make dinner. I will get on top of my life." However, by the time 10:00am has rolled around and I have cleaned up spilled milk 3 times, tubbied 2 boys and subsequently cleaned up lots of spilled water, cleaned up toys just to find they have migrated out into the living room again, gotten ready for the gym just to have Beckam bellow in protest and beg for a nap I scrap the plan, throw my hands in the air, and spend the day attempting to "get it all done."
I remember, back in October when Beckams surgery was cancelled, a particular conversation I had with my mom. I was in tears, ready to have it over, or at least started. I remember telling her that I just felt numb. Numb was the only way to adequately describe my feelings. A feeling that I was a little bit frustrated with because I wanted to sort out and deal with my feelings. I remember her telling me to "embrace the numbness." She encouraged me to allow the Savior to shoulder my emotions at this time, that He was there to help me bear the load until I could stand stronger. I remember being comforted and yet terrified by her statement. I remember thinking, "just let me deal with it now because the thought of it hurting more in the future or knowing that it might hit me even harder is absolutely terrifying." Once the surgery finally came and went I felt so at peace, so calm, so okay. As Beckam recovered I could feel my life slowly creep back to normal. I could feel myself trying to "get my feet back underneath me" and surprisingly I felt just fine. So, now here I stand, a month later. I can now feel that my legs are wobbly. I don't feel strong enough but I know in the end I will be. I just need to stretch my wings, strengthen my legs, and keep my eyes on the Savior.
Life is good. Life is not easy. But life, every day life, in or out of a rut, is so worth it. Because I know that, "In the Strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things."
I remember, back in October when Beckams surgery was cancelled, a particular conversation I had with my mom. I was in tears, ready to have it over, or at least started. I remember telling her that I just felt numb. Numb was the only way to adequately describe my feelings. A feeling that I was a little bit frustrated with because I wanted to sort out and deal with my feelings. I remember her telling me to "embrace the numbness." She encouraged me to allow the Savior to shoulder my emotions at this time, that He was there to help me bear the load until I could stand stronger. I remember being comforted and yet terrified by her statement. I remember thinking, "just let me deal with it now because the thought of it hurting more in the future or knowing that it might hit me even harder is absolutely terrifying." Once the surgery finally came and went I felt so at peace, so calm, so okay. As Beckam recovered I could feel my life slowly creep back to normal. I could feel myself trying to "get my feet back underneath me" and surprisingly I felt just fine. So, now here I stand, a month later. I can now feel that my legs are wobbly. I don't feel strong enough but I know in the end I will be. I just need to stretch my wings, strengthen my legs, and keep my eyes on the Savior.
Life is good. Life is not easy. But life, every day life, in or out of a rut, is so worth it. Because I know that, "In the Strength of the Lord, I can do ALL things."
17 comments:
I think you get in more ruts as a mother of two...I was glad to hear your feelings to hear that I'm not the only one who has gone through it. You're mom's advice is really neat. Thanks for sharing. Wish I were there to give you a great big hug.
You mean the ruts continue?? Oh man... I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel when I saw graduation.
Thanks for the formula to get out. Just embrace the Lord. Huh... that seems to be the formula for a lot of things... You think I'd learn...
I love your posts .... you make me want to be a better person! You're amazing! Hang in there girl I have been in the same rut lately - I feel your pain!
I have a letter from you that I have held onto all these years. In the letter you express how wonderful it is to have friends that are such good examples and that lift us up. I remember feeling so shocked that Lacey would write ME a letter telling me what an example I was to HER.
You are such an example to me, even though we lost contact for so long, I still think of you often. I mean, come on, I still hold on to that letter you wrote me.
Isn't it wonderful that our lives are filled with people that can uplift us, and remind us to lean on the Lord for comfort and understanding? I love it.
by the way, that comment was from me, Jamee.
I think you need a serious GNO! I feel ya on the constant dirty house. I feel like I have 2 messy boys and 1 messy girl and I am ALWAYS picking up after one of them. Argh! It's so easy to get frustrated at my house and today I just said screw it I am taking Kate to the park and not going to worry about it. So, it's ok to have a messy house, or life most of the time. Nobody's perfect, and you deserve some Lacey time. Let me know when you want a break or go grab some ice cream!
I've wanted so bad to take the Savior's example of "be of good cheer" when I get into these "ruts", laugh it off, not let the house bother me, exc...but then I realized that I am still human, and it's ok if I had a bad day and feel like doing absolutely nothing, or that I don't like my kids that day(jk) but I realized the only thing that helps with "ruts" is to remember that it is that..just temporary, and most of the days are "pretty good days". I started doing something new this year. When Mike gets home I tell him 3 things that went great that day, and write them down..he does the same, and this repeats everyday, it has helped me a lot. Ok, this turned into a novel. Sorry! Love you, and hang in there!!
I remember feeling like I was in a complete fog and daze until Krew was about 8 months old. I don't know what it was about my second baby it was just so hard. I couldn't focus and I think it was just doing the same thing everyday was turning my brain to mush. So I for sure now how you feel and just barely am I starting to actually feel like myself again. Probably because Krew is finally getting more independent and so a little bit of my life is getting easier. I don't know if that even made sense but it will get better and your advice to always turn to the Savior is awesome, I for sure need to be reminded that this time in life will pass. Good luck!
See, this is why Jared needs to start reading your blog! I just send crazy texts to my husband hoping he'll get a peek at my exhaustion. Lol. Anyway, it was really nice having you guys over & talking to you lastnight. You're boys are so cute & it's a testament to what a good job you do with them. Talk to you later!
I love you! I too am in a sort of simular rut, but not quite wanting to claw my way out of it yet. When 10 hits for me, I have given into my day and figure groceries (or insert another productive thing here) can wait till tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will try to get out and stop feeling sorry for myself and the fact I have a husband I barly know/see because his job is so demanding. Life seems to have a new curve ball around every corner! But I love you and wish you the best. You do have the most inspiring blog I read! Thanks for your example!
It's January! It is the rut month. You are so incredible, I love the way that you can express yourself and expose yourself in a way that is so inspiring. You're amazing.
My Lacey,
You make my heart SOAR!!! You are becoming everything the Savior could ever want!
I love you tons!
mom
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I have been feeling the same way lately and to read that I am really not the only one that goes through ruts, helps a ton! I hope that your ruts will pass by quickly and that all will back to normal soon! Love ya!!
Love this post Lacey! Oh, you are too cute, your kids are too cute, you are way too talented, and have way too great of a family to be in a rut. There! End of that, huh? ;-) OH, I know what you mean... hang in there. You are amazing!
I hate feeling that way! Seems like it's going around! Life gets so overwhelming sometimes. That's when we go on a girl's night...to forget about the messy house and crying kids, and to eat whatever we want cause we're not making it to the gym anyways:)
Being in a rut is a constant in the life of a mother with two young boys. The important thing is that you recognize it and know that your Savior is aware of you and He is carrying you, even though you may not feel it, He is there. You WILL survive! The end is a long way off, thank heavens the ruts only last a while and then another one comes. Each one makes you stronger. You have what it takes, you are a survivor.
Love ya.....
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
Gotta Go, My Wife keeps sending me crazy texts..something about exhaustion yata yata
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