I am tired.
Not very often am I at a loss for words, however at them moment all I can say is I am tired.
My dad, who just turned 50, who has been healthy, active, and as good as could be was just diagnosed with colon cancer.
When he called to break the news I didn't know what to say. It didn't seem real. He seemed hopeful that it could most likely be taken care of with surgery. Not fun but doable.
My sister had a meltdown. I did not.
We made it through the next few days and the phrase, "my dad has cancer" sunk it and became part of life. I felt hopeful, optimistic, and didn't allow it to rock my world too much.... until yesterday.
The morning after his CT scan my parents called and asked me to conference call my sister. At that moment I wanted to say "no," hang up the phone, and live in the little hopeful box I had created for myself. However, that was not possible.
Once Alli made it on the phone my dad broke the news. The cancer had spread. Far. It had made it to his bladder, liver, and one lung.
Although he was strong, I was a puddle. The tears came. I had a melt down. My sister did not. I once again had no words... only tears.
How could this happen? He fits none of the profiles for this disease. He has taken amazing care of himself. He is young. He is MY dad. Things like this just don't happen.
After the phone call ended all I could do was stare. Stare and wonder, "what now?"
Cade saw my tears and told me it would be okay as he snuggled on my lap. Beckam held my hand all day. I was not alone and was so thankful for the numbness that eventually enveloped me.
I spent the day trying to understand how accepting the Lords will and having unwavering faith in miracles could really be connected and not just independent concepts. How can I be obedient to the Lord and His will but yet have faith that He can heal my dad? It wasn't meshing in my head.
I cried and prayed. Prayed and cried. Read and cried. Cried and read.
In the end I still cannot exactly wrap words around the Peace and understanding the Lord has blessed me with thus far. I know that I am at the beginning, in a small way, to understanding the atonement on an even more personal level.
Understanding how much the Lord loves us.
How well He knows us.
What His plan is for us.
How He will bless us.
We might not understand but one day we will.
All we can do is have faith in Him, hope that things will be okay, and go to work taking care of others, charity.
Throughout my life, whenever things have been heavy, overwhelming, or difficult my dad would give me a little pep talk and then tell me to wrap a blanket tight around myself and pretend that it was his big strong arms giving me a big hug. It always made me feel better.
At this moment, my blanket is wrapped around him.
The Saviors arms are wrapped around me.
We will make it. We will continue to press forward with faith. We are sealed as a family and will be together forever, with our arms tight around each other.
I love you daddy. I will always be your baby girl.
You can do it. You are the strongest guy I know.