Friday, April 9, 2010

Our unexpected journey begins

I am tired.
Not very often am I at a loss for words, however at them moment all I can say is I am tired.
My family has been living in a bit of a shock wave this past week.
My dad, who just turned 50, who has been healthy, active, and as good as could be was just diagnosed with colon cancer.
When he called to break the news I didn't know what to say. It didn't seem real. He seemed hopeful that it could most likely be taken care of with surgery. Not fun but doable.
My sister had a meltdown. I did not.

We made it through the next few days and the phrase, "my dad has cancer" sunk it and became part of life. I felt hopeful, optimistic, and didn't allow it to rock my world too much.... until yesterday.

The morning after his CT scan my parents called and asked me to conference call my sister. At that moment I wanted to say "no," hang up the phone, and live in the little hopeful box I had created for myself. However, that was not possible.
Once Alli made it on the phone my dad broke the news. The cancer had spread. Far. It had made it to his bladder, liver, and one lung.
Although he was strong, I was a puddle. The tears came. I had a melt down. My sister did not. I once again had no words... only tears.

How could this happen? He fits none of the profiles for this disease. He has taken amazing care of himself. He is young. He is MY dad. Things like this just don't happen.
After the phone call ended all I could do was stare. Stare and wonder, "what now?"

Cade saw my tears and told me it would be okay as he snuggled on my lap. Beckam held my hand all day. I was not alone and was so thankful for the numbness that eventually enveloped me.

I spent the day trying to understand how accepting the Lords will and having unwavering faith in miracles could really be connected and not just independent concepts. How can I be obedient to the Lord and His will but yet have faith that He can heal my dad? It wasn't meshing in my head.
I cried and prayed. Prayed and cried. Read and cried. Cried and read.

In the end I still cannot exactly wrap words around the Peace and understanding the Lord has blessed me with thus far. I know that I am at the beginning, in a small way, to understanding the atonement on an even more personal level.

Understanding how much the Lord loves us.
How well He knows us.
What His plan is for us.
How He will bless us.
We might not understand but one day we will.

All we can do is have faith in Him, hope that things will be okay, and go to work taking care of others, charity.
Throughout my life, whenever things have been heavy, overwhelming, or difficult my dad would give me a little pep talk and then tell me to wrap a blanket tight around myself and pretend that it was his big strong arms giving me a big hug. It always made me feel better.

At this moment, my blanket is wrapped around him.
The Saviors arms are wrapped around me.

We will make it. We will continue to press forward with faith. We are sealed as a family and will be together forever, with our arms tight around each other.

I love you daddy. I will always be your baby girl.
You can do it. You are the strongest guy I know.
xoxo

14 comments:

Tiffany said...

oh lacey. my heart aches for you and your family. i had a puddle of tears on my computer. i'm so sorry for your unexpected trial. may the lord bless you and your family.

Alli said...

crying. again. will the tears ever end?

I don't think faith to be healed and acceptance of God's will are separate concepts--they are the same. I still pray for miracles every day--every prayer, rather. We can still put our trust in the Lord and pray for miracles.

The Mrs. said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

May God's love surround you and everyone affected by this experience. I know that HE lives and does know each one of you personally. Things will be good. God is so good.

I love you.
Jamee
xoxo

Kelsey Ann said...

Oh Lacey, I love you! I love your family and please know you are all in my prayers!

The Summerhays Crew said...

You have such a strong family Lacey, and I know your personal testimony is strong. I admire your strength and especially your Dad's outlook. I hope for the best for him and your family and will keep you all in my prayers until he beats this! Love ya girl

Elyse said...

geez lacey! you and alli have the strongest faith of any girls i know! your family is seriously the greatest people that i have ever known. my sister and i talk about you girls all the time and we have always thought you two have it together and have a solid strong testimony. anyone that knows the williams family has been touched by your examples!
just know that we are praying for you and your awesome family.

Clarissa Meegan said...

Lacey,

I was in shock and tears reading this. I know how precious your dad is to you. We will pray for you. Thanks for being such an example of who we should put our faith in. I know He will see you through.

Much Love,
Riss

Betsy said...

Lacey, your testimony in church yesterday was amazing! And so are you. Prayers and hugs to you and your family.

sloan said...

We LOVE you Lacey!!!! prayers and more prayers.... anything for you and we will be there for you....

Kristie said...

Seriously made me cry!! You are incredibly strong! I wish there was more I could do for you! Love you tons and know that I am here whenever you need to talk, cry or just need to escape from it for a bit!

Kaydee said...

Lacey, I'm so sorry about your dad. Your story certainly has a way of putting things in perspective for me. We will keep your family in our prayers. Congratulations on your upcoming addition. The Lord has incredible timing.

Tiffany said...

Lacey I sent you an email through facebook. Please let me know if you did or didn't get it. Love you lots ... my prayers are with you and your family.

Ashley said...

Oh my gosh Lacey, I'm so sorry to hear about this. You seem TEN MILLION times stronger then I EVER could be in this set of circumstances. I will be thinking and praying for your family.

Shannan said...

Lacey, you are truly amazing and we love you and pray for comfort to your father and family right now. I tended your boys today and they are doing great, you sure do have cuties on your hands. If there is anything we can do let us know. We think about you all the time. You will truly be blessed for your pure dedication to the lord at such a hard time.