I am alive

I made it. I am home. My head is chuck full of ideas, dreams, and aspirations. I had a wonderful time but forgot how exhausting it is to learn... lots. Lots to share but for now you can click on over to my photography blog and take a little peek at the beauties I got to work with. I know... I am lucky!!

Stretch

I found myself thinking today... not always the best thing. I have had this little problem since I was young... I get REALLY nervous about anything new. New job, new town, new situations, new school years (my mom seriously thought I was going to end up in home school my 7th grade year I was so nervous... seriously pathetic... I know) anything that I cannot figure out in my mind before hand makes me really anxious. I found those same nerves creeping around inside of me as I thought about my soon departure to Texas on Friday. I am fortunate enough to be attending a photography workshop. I get time to myself, time to learn something new, time to dedicate to something I love. However, it is also something that will be done not only in a completely new arena but done completely by myself... double whammy in my book. I have spent the afternoon giving myself a pep talk, trying to calm my nerves and allow the excitement and anticipation take its place. I was honestly feeling a bit sorry for myself... in a really lame kind of way.

However my perspective was greatly and unexpectedly changed in the most unlikely of places... a baseball diamond specked with 5 and 6, and one 4 year-old boys. We signed Cade up to play coach pitch baseball this season. One requirement, he plays a year up. I have been excited for him to be able to really play but a little nervous (go figure) because he would be by far the youngest and most inexperienced player. As we walked toward the diamond where all the boys had already started practicing Cade says, "mom, they are all way bigger than me!" Not wanting him to worry I said, "no they aren't Cadeo, don't worry about it." He looks up, smiles, says, "oh, okay," and runs out to join them... not a care in the world. I watched him get a little frustrated but only needing a kind reassurance from his dad to pump him back up.

I spent the remainder of practice with knots in my stomach. I didn't want him to feel inferior. I didn't want him to get frustrated. I didn't want him to get hurt. I didn't want him to be scared. I didn't want him to be nervous. I asked Jared several times, "was this such a good idea?" "Are you sure he shouldn't play with the kids his own age this year?" "Are you SURE this is a good idea." Each time he calmly reminded me not to worry. I still bit my fingernails every time it was Cade's turn to hit or catch.

Once practice was over I stood by the dugout and watched my little 4-year-old come in with a smile. I listened as they talked amongst themselves, one said, "I am 6," and another boy responds, "I am 6 too!" and Cade enthusiastically adds, "I am 4!" I smile to see that the only time Cade is the same height as the other boys is when they are sitting and he was standing.

It was in those moments that I realized this is what life is all about, being stretched. This is what I want for my children, to become better, to reach higher, to push harder. It is just sometimes hard for a mommy to sit back and watch it happen. Even though, most of the time, I feel more stress, worry, and heartache for them than they do for themselves. I realized that the worry I felt for myself became so insignificant and paled in comparison for what I felt for my child. However, my child, the one I love so much, the one who could have felt so inferior, the one who really pushed the comfort barriers... just went for it. He didn't look back. He didn't dwell on the nerves. He didn't allow worry to hold him back. He believed in himself and just did it.

So, here I sit not only determined to cherish this lesson but to put it into action. If Cade can do it so can I. This is why we are here... right. To be stretched. To reach higher. To push harder. To become better.

So, wish me luck... I am off to stretch.

Why do I Love Them....

...how can you not...

...seriously?

Imprinted on my Heart

{yes, this is a VERY old picture... but it works}

My heart was imprinted tonight with a memory, an understanding, an insight that will be there throughout the eternities.

I had the honor and opportunity to watch and listen to my sweet husband give our little man a blessing before his first day of school. I was always fortunate enough to receive a fathers blessing before the beginning of a new school year, when confronting a problem, or just when I needed a little extra guidance and direction.

In a Priesthood blessing a servant of the Lord exercises the Priesthood, as moved upon by the Holy Ghost, to call upon the powers of heaven for the benefit of the person being blessed. In a blessing a worthy priesthood holder speaks the words of God, he gives the direction of God, he explains the love of God, he pronounces the blessings of God.

Although I have been a recipient of many of theses blessings, none have left the print on my heart as the one I witnessed tonight. My heart was filled with an overwhelming amount of love as I listened to the sweet and simple counsel given to my son. "Teach the other kids about Jesus by the way that you share." "Be a good friend to all those in your class, even if they look different than you." "You will continue to learn how to become a missionary as you are a good listener, good helper, and good friend."

As the blessing came to an end I watched as Cade looked up at Jared and threw his arms around him. My heart burst and the memory sunk deep into my heart and soul as I watched Jareds silent tears and heard him say, "you are my best buddy. You will always be my best buddy. I am so proud of you." I knew that in a few short years that scene would once again play out in front of my eyes. However, it will not be as a 4-year-old boy leaves to preschool, it will be as a 19-year-old preparing man leaves on his mission. A mission to share the good news of Christ. A mission that will change him from a boy to a man. A mission that will break my heart to send him on but also make me burst with joy. A mission that will share the truth.

As I watched a father and son embrace I was once again reminded of so many levels of love. The love I have for my child. The love my child has for his daddy. The love our Father in Heaven has for each of us.

Although life gets rough, children get exhausting, finances gets overwhelming, time gets shorter and lists get longer there is nothing.... NOTHING greater than knowing that God exists, He knows us, He is watching over us and mostly, He loves us. He loves us. He loves us. What an overwhelming, humbling, and empowering knowledge. To know that no matter how good, how bad, how ugly, in the end what really matters is that God loves us and that He will Always be there... waiting to embrace us. Waiting to say, "You are my buddy. You will always be my buddy. I am so proud of you."

It Seems like Yesterday

It seems like yesterday that Jared and I found out that surprisingly our little family would go from 2 to 3.

It seems like yesterday I was watching my belly bounce up and down as he would roll around and kick.

It seems like yesterday that I was on the phone with Jared telling him that the baby was on his way.

It seems like yesterday that I held him in my arms and knew that his name was going to be Cade... even though I didn't want to admit that Jared had won his choice.

It seems like yesterday that I was scared to death to bring him home from the hospital because I had no idea what to do next.

It seems like yesterday that I gazed into his eyes and sang, "I am a child of God" over and over.

It seems like yesterday that Jared and I spent hours just looking at him. In complete awe that he was ours.

It seems like yesterday that I could wrap him up snugly and just rock him.

However, in reality... it was just yesterday that he turned 4.

Where does the time go?

I love you my sweet Cade. You have changed my life forever.

Thank you.

xoxo

So, I started off tonight thinking I was the coolest mom ever...

Friday night and we decide to spend some quality time with the kiddos. Star Wars: Clone Wars is playing in the outdoor theater and so we assume the boys, or Cade, would be enraptured with the light savers, droids, shooting, and action.

We show up with our favorite blankets, yummy ice cream with all the toppings and all the excitement you can muster out of a 3-year-old... that is A LOT for mine. We grab the last open spot in the back and settle in.

10 minutes into our experience I start to panic and think that the movie is actually Mary Poppins. I figure I would give it a few minutes and see if Cade catches on. Just as that thought finishes he looks at me and, loudly, says, "HEY, this ISNT star wars!" I tell him that I knew that and that I think that I might have made a mistake.

15 minutes into the experience... Phew! Just a VERY LONG preview. Cade smiles, "You DIDNT make a mistake mom!! I am so proud of you!" Movie starts.

1 minute into the movie. Cade is humming, loudly, the Star Wars theme music and cheering with all the other boys in the crowd, "Star Wars is SOOOO cool!"

3 minutes into the movie. Ice cream gone.

5 minutes into the movie. Off to get some popcorn.

6 minutes into the movie. Popcorn spilled.

10 minutes into the movie. More popcorn.... gone.

20 minutes into the movie. Cade thinks that he is a Jedi knight. He is swinging his pretend light saver. Making gun noises, why can boys always make those noises!? and totally into the movie. I really am the coolest.

23 minutes into the movie. Beckam is screaming that he cannot push some ladies stroller around. Okay, its all good. We are outside. We don't have to be quiet the WHOLE time.

Getting irritated looks.

27 minutes into the movie. Jared takes Beckam for a walk.

28 minutes into the movie. Cade cries that he did not get to go with Jared. What was I thinking!!

35 minutes into the movie. All is settled. Cade is once again interested in the movie.

38 minutes into the movie. Cade is bored. I see families starting to pack up and leave. They are the smart ones!

40 minutes into the movie. Cade finds a friend. sweet little girl. they play. they laugh. they entertain each other. Okay, maybe this was an okay idea.

43 minutes into the movie. Another friend finds Cade. nice little boy. they both think they are jedis. they pretend to have light savers. they are not very good at not "accidently" hitting each other.

44 minutes into the movie. They are on the ground wrestling. Seriously, what is it with boys and wrestling!

45 minutes into the movie. he is really going to hurt that boy! Cade is back on the blanket with us.

47 minutes into the movie. They are all playing tag. We ask Cade to be a little bit more quiet. Jared looks at me and asks why our child is SO loud. Hmmmm, have you met his dad?

50 minutes into the movie. We remind Cade to be quiet, for the 10th time.

52 minutes into the movie. Beckam is eating all the popcorn that people have spilled on the ground. Gross!

55 minutes into the movie. Boys are on the ground brawling again.

56 minutes into the movie. Cade is back on the blanket. Has he even watched any of this movie!?

60 minutes into the movie. Tag... again. Cades first friend is now playing with Beckam. she is so sweet. this is such a long movie!

65-80 minutes into the movie. Brawling. blanket. brawling. blanket. brawling. blanket.

83 minutes into the movie. Cade is back on the blanket. somehow his attention was pulled back into the movie. Beckam is trying so hard to go to sleep. Just let this movie end already. do they really expect kids to get this movie!?

90 minutes into the movie. We are all excitedly humming the theme song to Star Wars. Cade says, "that was the best movie ever!"

In the end, was I the coolest mom ever? maybe. maybe not.

Could I have gotten away with turing on a cartoon for 30 minutes and sending them to bed? probably.

Would I be able to laugh at our experience of "going to a movie" if we didn't go. nope.

Was it worth it? maybe.

Will we do it again next week? probably.

Moms really do a lot to be cool for a 3-year-old.

Cade Originals

-Cade decided that he was supposed to be in charge of Beckam. He informed me of this decision and then says, "but here is the plan mom. When he is crying I am NOT in charge but when he is not crying I AM in charge. Okay? That is the plan."

-We were at the store and I got Cade some pool toys and a swimming suit. After our shopping trip Cade looks at me and says, "mom, I am REALLY having fun with you!" Note to self: if you want Cade to have fun you must buy him things.

-Cade loves to wear his life jacket in the pool. I tried to get him to take it off and practice swimming with me the other day. He looked at me and said, "no mom, if I take it off and go in the water I will drain."

-We were in the doctors office waiting for the doctor. Cade pulled up the doctors rolling stool and says, "hello, I am the doctor and I am going to measure Beckam today." I smile and say, "okay doctor." Cade pretends to hold up a measuring tape to Beckam and then says, "yep, just about right. He is 6 feet strong."

- Cade was coloring while I was trying to get Beckam ready for the day. Beck was being particularly wiggly while I was trying to comb his hair and I said, "wow, Beckam, you are making this really hard." Cade quickly turns from his coloring and says, "its okay mom, we can switch spots. I will comb Beckams hair and you can color. Just stay in the lines, okay?"

-Jared headed out the door to work one morning and Cade took off after him, wearing just his underwear, and says, "hey dad, when you come home will you bring Harry, Ben, and Chandler (his cousins) with you?" Jared says, "sure bud, and how about I come home at 4 so we can play too." Cade gets a huge smile on his face and says, "how about 6 dad!?" Jared laughs and says, "sure I will be home by 6." To which Cade jumps up and down and says, "YES! You are the best dad!"

-Cade cracks me up because when he gets excited or is happy about something he will say, "yes!" and sounds just like Napoleon Dynamite. It is hilarious!

-We were at Costco and I was standing in line waiting to get the boys a churro. Cade and Beckam were a few feet from me in the basket. I soon hear Cade yell at the top of his lungs, "Mom, you rock!" while giving me thumbs up.

-He has been in swimming lessons. One afternoon before we left he grabbed his goggles and put them on. He likes them SUPER tight, with his eyes bugging out and his ears smooshed. He runs into the bathroom and stands with his hands on his hips, his head held high, and his shoulders back and says, "Hey, I look cool like Michael Phelps!"

-We were saying family prayers and I said, "we are thankful for Cade and all the joy he brings." I soon hear Cade loudly whispering, "mom.... mom.... moooommm... I am not a droid! Mom.... I am NOT a droid" I bust up laughing and quickly end the prayer. Cade then quickly jumps up, looks at me with a side ways smile, points his finger at me and says, "you are so silly mom, you thought I was a star wars droid!" I told him I said Joy not Droid and he says, "no, you called me a droid, silly!"